RECAP: Hatman has been split into two separate beings, a being of Order called Magistratus and a being of Chaos. The Word, using his Voice of Reason, has taken control of Magistratus to serve the cause of Order. Chaos Hatman assembled a small strike force of Legionnaires not under the influence of Magistratus (who under the Word’s direction has mentally enslaved the entire country) to try and stop the Word and his newest recruit, but the team was overwhelmed. To battle Magistratus, Chaos Hatman took up the Impossibilitium Sillysuit of his fallen comrade, CrazySugarFreakBoy!, and became the CHaoticCappedCrusader, a being of pure Chaos fueled by the Impossibilitium to counter the Serious Matter force of Magistratus.
“What the hell is going on down there?!” thundered Jury as she stormed into the chamber of Dark Thugos. The Destroyer of Tales squared himself to meet her gaze.
“Is there something you wanted?” he asked her smugly.
“You know just as well as I do that we can’t have beings of pure Order and Chaos duking it out in downtown Seattle!” she shouted. “They could destroy the entire planet!”
“And that would be a shame,” said Thugos neutrally.
“You know the Earth has a pivotal role to play in the Resolution War! This can’t be taking place!”
“Endings are what I do. If that miserable mudball is destroyed in the process, so be it,” rumbled the Destroyer. “It is not your place to decide how events come to a conclusion.”
“No, but it’s up to me how they start. And there’s no reason I can’t start a new sub-plot,” retorted the Shaper of Worlds.
“This close to conclusion? That’s stretching things a mite, is it not.” It was not a question.
“If it’s what I need to do, then that’s what I’ll do,” she glared at Thugos then stormed out of his chambers.
“You can’t protect them forever Jury!” Thugos shouted after her.
* * * * *
Magistratus and the CHaoticCappedCrusader stare at each other across the battlefield. The being of pure Order floats gently above the ground, white bolts of power lancing from his very being. The Chaos being fidgets, nearly vibrating with the urge to destroy his age-old enemy.
Without warning, CHCC blurs forward to smash a mighty blow into Magistratus’ chin. The servant of Order is sent reeling backwards, but quickly recovers and white lightning bursts from his eyes. The Chaos being is caught in the blast, and when the intense light from the blast has faded the CHatoicCappedCrusader finds himself in a crater two miles in diameter with Magistratus floating above him.
The Chaos being doesn’t appear to be fazed as he pulls CrazySugarFreakBoy! yo-yo out and lets it fly at Magistratus. The projectile grows in size and pulsates with power, and when it connects with Magistratus the sky flashes green. All across the western seaboard every window shatters, trees are flattened, and small cars are up-ended.
Both combatants now take to the air, exchanging energy blasts that would reduce entire mountain ranges to a fine powder. One stray blast does just that; the Rocky Mountains of Alberta are no more.
The earth rotates beneath the two titans, spinning as if trying to protect itself from the onslaught of incredible force above it. Entire countries are obliterated, bodies of water evaporated.
The battle rages for days. The planet has long since been devoid of all multi-cellular life. Even from the depths of space one can see the once perfect sphere of Earth now has ragged chunks missing. The combatants do not seem to notice as they continue their war.
It is the 8th day of battle when the entire planet explodes, debris flung to the far reaches of space.
And that is when I step in.
* * * * *
I wake up to find myself floating in a void, an all-encompassing emptiness. I’m back in my costume, and there’s no sign of CrazySugarFreakBoy’!’s Sillysuit anywhere. That’s when I notice that I’m whole, I am no longer divided.
“That would be my doing,” spoke a voice. I try to identify where it’s coming from, but it seems to come from everywhere.
“Who are you? Show yourself!” I demand. Already I’m trying to figure out what the Hooded Hood’s game is. What benefit does he get from undoing my splitting into Magistratus and CHaoticCappedCrusader?
“I’m sure the Hooded Hood would benefit from the planet not being destroyed, but his hand is not at work here,” says the voice. Okay, clearly he can read my thoughts.
“Yes, I can.”
Well then read this. I don’t like being toyed with. Show yourself.
A form coalesces in front of me, forming into a man. He has pink skin, and has no hair on his head. He’s wearing what looks almost like a version of my costume. He wears a white shirt with the same yellow diamond adorning my chest. His pants are blue and baggy, ending just below his knees. He wears a maroon cape, with a belt that looks oddly familiar. What is perhaps the most disconcerting about this being forming from nothing before me is he has no nose or mouth.
“I have long since passed the need to breathe, eat, or speak the way you do,” the being explained.
“Then how are you talking?”
“Speech is not limited to the simply way you Terrans have chosen to do so.”
“If this is going to become a primitive human bashing session, I’ll warn you now I’m not in the mood."
“It is not. Please, let me introduce myself. My name is Jabin Sirr. I was the first to wield the Serious Matter.”
This just went even more cosmic on me. Cosmic gives me headaches. And the resulting paperwork is a bear.
“Eons ago, the Lords of Order deemed it necessary to infuse agents of our universe with the Serious Matter, to act as champions of their cause. I was the first such being.”
“So why would you pull me out of their and allow the Chaos side of me to merge with my Order half? I would think the Lords of Order would want me to remain pure, as I was.”
“I, like you, am unique amongst the bearers of the Serious Matter. Unlike other bearers, we retain an important balance.” Jabin points to the diamond we wear on our chests. “The vertical points represent Order and Chaos. The horizontal represent Justice and Vengeance. We two are, as I said, unique, as we represent the Balance, between the four.” Jabin touches the center of the diamond as he says this.
“But I was told I was never meant to be a bearer of the Serious Matter. That Chaos had managed to divert the power to me to spite Order.”
“That was not Chaos’ doing. It was mine.”
“But why?”
“I was the first bearer of the Serious Matter, and as such the Lords of Order had not yet perfected the process of imbuing a physical being with the power. Future bearers would be as Order desired, loyal and completely devoted to the purging of Chaos from the cosmos.
“Though the Lords of Order have prevented me from directly interacting with the physical universe, my power is not inconsiderable after wielding the Serious Matter for so long. I was able to ensure that the Serious Matter destined for the Word’s daughter instead reached you, a being like myself, who believes in the Balance.”
“If you still maintain some sort of influence, why did you allow the Word to take control of me like that? Who knows who could have been killed when Magistratus and CHaoticCappedCrusader fought?”
“Actually, your entire planet was destroyed. You are the only survivor.”
“What?! How could you let this happen?!”
“I had to try and let things sort themselves out on their own. Every time I exert my power I risk the Lords of Order finding me. They wish nothing more than my destruction at this point. But you have a pivotal role to play, Hatman, and I could not allow you and your planet to be destroyed.”
“But you said it already has been!”
“I will send you back before that occurs. I will not be able to prevent the creation of Magistratus and CHaoticCappedCrusader, as the Lords of Order and Chaos would not easily lose such champions. However, I shall pass my Serious Matter powers to you, in your chaos form, that you may battle Magistratus. I tried to aid you in your first battle by quelling the Chaotic urges within you, but clearly that was not enough.”
“But Serious Matter can’t be transferred, can it?”
“Already I can feel the Lords of Order searching for me. I will bequeath my power to you, and pass on to the next life. I will rest easy knowing that a Champion of the Balance such as yourself remains to fight for our cause.”
“But I have so many questions about the Serious Matter, about my powers.” I look down at the Hatility Belt around my waist. “About the Belt.”
“Ah yes, the Belt.”
“I felt so lost without it, like a part of myself was missing.”
“I created the Belt many ages ago. It was a focus for my power, as I was too inexperienced to wield it as I do now. I used it to pull whatever object I may have required. As time passed, I learned to get by without it. But that was a long time, many years past the average human lifespan.”
“So you sent me the Belt after I received my powers, didn’t you?”
“That I did. It is not a tool of Order, but rather a tool of the Balance. You have reached the stage where the Belt has bonded with you. No one but you may wield it, until you pass it along to another Champion of Balance, as I gave it to you those years ago.”
Jabin shuddered, and then reoriented his gaze on me with a determined stare. “I must send you back now, the Lords of Order are nearly here.”
“But what’s to stop them from simply destroying me once you’re gone?”
“The Lords of Order and Chaos cannot act directly in the physical world. It is true that they will send champions after you, such as the Word, but you are safe from their direct power. Now then, give me your hands.”
I hold out my hands, and Jabin takes them in his. He then touches his forehead to mine, and I feel a surge of power flow through me. Then Jabin Sirr, the first Champion of Balance, is gone, and I find myself back on Earth, facing down Magistratus, the rest of my hastily assembled Abandoned Legion sprawled out on the ground.
I reach into my Belt to see if it worked, if I have my Serious Matter powers back, and even though Magistratus stands before me, I touch the familiar brim of my Steelers cap.
“Let’s finish this.”
NEXT: Hatman VS Magistratus for the fate of the entire planet!
I'm not really happy with how the CHaoticCappedCrusader pic turned out, but the version I'm using (the Free one  ) of Hero Machine just can't do anything like CSFB!'s Sillysuit. That's the closest I could get.
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